i don't get high -

Actually I want to visit North Korea. But I don't suppose they'd grant me a visa though.

It's kind of ironical that the Livejournal question of the day is about compulsory national service. *cue for caustic smile*

Graduating in Hwachong, sans accolades, sans achievements, sans a sense of achievement. Sometimes I feel like - hey, I can make it for A levels, get A's or whatever, but doing practice papers consumes me in self-doubt. I don't know if I'm thinking too much about my first national paper in er, ever since PSLE? Just hope, pray, believe that Cambridge/SEAB/whichever is the holiness who sets our papers don't come up with too weird, too unbelievable a paper.

Right, back to the books. Notes. Papers. Still have to write personal statement. Argh.

I don't think I want to remember this period of my life.

I've scored more E's than I can afford to, and actually gotten worse grades for most of my subjects. Now is not the time to mope and be demoralised but I certainly am, I most certainly am. But there's no room for manoeuvre, except forward, forward, and into the green light just like Gatsby.

I just had the last PE lesson of my LIFE today! Nobody wanted to stop, but as Nelly Furtado sings - all good things (come to an end).

While everyone around me seems to be stressing out/freaking out/posting ultra-emo entries, I've been pretty relaxed, even cheerful at times. It's not because I'm well prepared - I'm totally not I can't even catch up with the revision lectures DDD: - but I'd rather steadily, calmly carry out copious amounts of revision in a relaxed manner as opposed to panicking and throwing tempers. That's a stark contrast compared to Sec 4, when I was so stressed for my exams (ironically I was performing better than I am now).

I've pretty much sorted out what I want to do, which is a relief. Since I am neither good at the sciences (hurray for realising that after years of pursuing a pure-science education and shunning the arts) or the arts (even though several people have told me I should be in the arts stream), I will do something that is based on NEITHER! :DD

Perhaps I'll pursue a law degree in UK or Singapore, or run off to do a hospitality degree in Switzerland or US. :D Perhaps I'll be on a government scholarship, or I'll be on a mother-father scholarship (I will pay them back, taking inflation into account, je promis!). Perhaps I'll be rich and famous in the future, or perhaps when I go to JC class gathering I'll be the poorest, least well-dressed of the lot. But it'll be fine I think (okay save for the last; I don't really want to be poor please hahha I need my retirement funds).

The future looks kind of exciting, don't you think? Here you have a huge obstacle - the A levels. That's your last major national exam! After that we'll be set onto the world like frog spawn into a pond (okay bad analogy but you get my point, and it applies more to girls) and I can do whatever random things I like for about a year or so - work, slack, re-learn French (RACHELLOKE if you see this how does that sound? :D), learn another language, learn to cook, grow fat/grow slim, try out new resolutions, sit around, go out, go out, go out, miss school a bit, buy clothes (or else I'll end up in university in SCHOOL UNIFORM gasp horrors of horrors) etc. etc. etc. After that I suppose there'll be uni, work, stress, family, stress, blablablahblahtheparts and parcels of life.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge, on the edge of a slide, about to slide into something very unknown, very foreign, very raw.

For now, I'm happy


especially when I'm with you.

[edit: Hello ttwt!]

Do you trust me?

Then why do you keep tabs on my life?

- I promise I won't.

Well, you will certainly never see me as the face of clinical research in Singapore. During biology practical yesterday, we forgot to incubate the bacteria in LB broth, I punctured the agar plate and then screwed up the second experiment (plus the micropipette was being wonky!) At least the bacteria still glowed :)

There's always that old dichotomy between 'follow your interests'/'what is right' and 'aptitude'/'attitude'. If I had a choice I'd take any subject that involves doodling, reading, and learning about world affairs - but I was never very good at any of it, so I chose the science stream - sensible, muggable and achievable. I've been doing what I think is right for me, rather than what I like, so long that I've forgotten what I enjoy. I constantly wonder what the future will be like, what my future will be like. Will I get to study what I want to study? What if I don't? What happens then? But if I do, where should I go? Stay here or go overseas? But will my results make it? Wait - what do I want anyway? Oh screw it - back to studying.

And the cycle repeats itself, because I don't and can't get any answers to any question. If only there was some light at the end of the tunnel, if only the circle of questions without answers were broken, I could probably arise from the murkiness armed with some goals, some determination to do well, instead of thinking: Oh screw it, let's just run away.